Rachel's Hope
After Abortion Healing and
Reconciliation for Catholic Women
(or Catholic friendly)
Your Deep Dark Secret
May Be Robbing You
Jim Benefield,
MFCC
Rachel's Hope
P.O. Box 17363
San Diego, CA 92177
jimbenefield@juno.com
(858) 581-0952
A dark secret may remain imprinted within the psyche like a photograph frozen in time, with all its memories and toxic feelings that keep the individual from living a healthy and productive life with spontaneity and flexibility. The "nature of the secret is that it wants to be found out." This forces the secret-holder into an avoidant and clandestine lifestyle where the objective for living is to maintain and protect the secret from being exposed to "the public zone" which could result in further humiliation, rejection and isolation. As a result of the need to protect oneself from the possible exposure of the secret, destructive and counterproductive "Private Vows" are implemented that can drive the "secret holder" like a ship without a rudder in the mist of a stormy sea. Honesty in relationships is diminished to the degree that the secret controls the individual's life and responses.
Living with a deep, dark secret is often a destroyer of energy, motivation and
life.
This clandestine living is an
attempt to stay dissociated from the trauma in one's
past by living a life of avoidance
from anything that would bring to mind the
painful memory of a past and
shameful incidence. The exposure of the painful
secret is often considered worse
than maintaining the secret. This secrecy moves
an individual more towards
isolation and aloneness. An unconscious or even
conscious Private Vow can begin to
be the controlling force that alters the direction
of the life of the secret holder
and begins to isolate the secret holder in order to
keep the secret from escaping into
the zone of public awareness. The Private Vow
increases the hyper-vigilance kind
of lifestyle and decreases the possibility of
living life spontaneously with
flexibility. This can be referred to as pseudo living
versus real living. More about Private Vows later. Honesty is sacrificed
and
deception reigns in relationships
to the degree that the secret controls the
The Journal of Christian Healing, Volume 2 1, # 1, Spring, 1999, pp. 36-46.
36
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Instead of working through the
internal tensions, |
individual's life and their responses.
Let me
backtrack with a question. What is the difference between keeping some
elements of your life to yourself
that you don't care for everyone to know, but if
they got revealed into public
awareness, be it with family, friends or co-workers,
your life would not be devastated,
versus, guarding a secret with a sense of hyper
vigilance, where the guarding
takes on a life of its own? In the first example,
whatever is kept to oneself, i.e.,
getting a low grade in school, being rejected by
this boy or that girl, having
smoked pot on occasion, needing contact lenses,
having failed your driver's exam
four times, being arrested for a DUI, etc. might be
embarrassing, but usually not heart-stopping
shamefulness. This article examines
situations where guarding a secret
with hyper vigilant behavior may be unhealthy
or even pathological.
Guarding the Secret
In a
situation where a secret takes on a life of its own, guarding the secret
becomes the way of one's
life. This level of guarding requires the emotional
energy and determination of a
marathon athlete so that the secret is never exposed
to anyone. It becomes an I will take it to my grave kind of secret. Having
been
raped or incested,
having a child by another partner while married or other sexual
improprieties, having an
abortion(s), etc. are some instances that can produce a
sense of shame that might result
in this kind of extreme guarding. Probably every
therapist has heard at one time or
another, "I'm going to tell you something that I've
never told a living soul .... If
knew what I did, or what happened to me, - would
not have anything to do with
me. I would not only be ashamed of myself but now
_ would also be ashamed of
me. Who else would tell? I would lose -. I can not
allow that to happen." If the
secret concerns a situation of childhood incest, for
example, painful comments might
include, "I can not tell my husband about what
my father or grandfather or uncle
did because I am afraid of what he would be
thinking of when we are making
love. Maybe he would see me differently if he
knew." In the case of
rape/date rape a woman might say; "I can not tell anyone
because people might say 'I must
have asked for it,' 'what was I doing and wearing
to set myself up for this to
happen,' or 'it must have been my fault'."
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For
many, abortion is one of the most guarded secrets from family, friends and
spouses. It is not unusual
for women to say that they have never revealed a
previous abortion to their husband
before they got married, and they continue to
maintain the secret in their
marriage. Some have never revealed an in-marital
abortion to their husbands.
One client cried as she stated, "My marriage is now
doing great, but three years ago I
did not think that my marriage was going to work.
When I discovered that I was
pregnant I went to an abortion clinic by myself. To
this day, no one knows, not even
my best girlfriend." Some have made similar
comments: "if anyone knew
what I did to my pregnancy, I would not want to see or
be around them because I would
perceive their attitudes of me as looks of
condemnation," "If I
told anyone, they would not want to be my friend or be around
me," or, "What kind of
person, or mother will they think I am." To say that every
woman feels this amount of hyper
vigilance after having an abortion would be an
overstatement, but from my
clinical observation it is fair to say that even women
who say they do not see themselves
in pain over an abortion, will go to great lengths
to protect this secret from even
intimate relationships.
Paralysis Sets In
In these
cases the holder of the secret has difficulty trusting anyone with their
secret due to a variety of fears
that center around being exposed and rejected,
resulting in further traumatization. "This is something that I just
have to live with."
"My secret is better kept
locked within, where I can control it. My life would never
be the same once it was out in the
open." When there is not a feeling of safety there
is a core belief that no safe
environment exists in which to release the trauma.
Oftentimes the unconscious is at
work trying to displace the internal tension of the
emotional pain, shame and
fears. This can, and usually does, result in a
displacement of emotions.
Instead of working through the internal tensions, the
unresolved issues insidiously
spill over into already dysfunctional areas in current
relationships.
The
family or relational system works hard at continuing to adapt and adjust to
escalating levels of dysfunctionality much like a frog that is placed in a pan
of cold
water with a low flame under the
pan. As the water becomes warmer, the frog has a
natural ability to acclimate to
the increasing temperature not realizing that the
environment is becoming
hostile. Only when the temperature has reached a critical
level does the frog realize its
danger and attempts to jump. But the water has
become too hot. Paralysis
sets in, leaving the frog unable to move out from its
dangerous environment. The
frog's ability to jump is no longer an option. Its
acclimating ability is
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The very nature of a secret is that it wants to be discovered. |
shut down along with its ability to get out
of this very awkward situation. It cooks
in its environment.
Similarly, secrets from childhood, adolescence and/or adulthood
can slowly cook any relationship
into its demise whenever the secrets are withheld
from significant intimate
relationships that represent the support system. However,
even though these shameful secrets
greatly affect the current relationships they are
feverishly maintained with the
hope that they will never be found out and that the
feelings will go away with time.
The Nature of a Secret
Then the
secret is discovered. Why? The very nature of a secret is that it
wants to
be discovered It
may take years for the secret to leak or slip to the surface. It is
much like Murphy's Law where if
anything can go wrong, it will. At the most
inopportune moment, the secret can
erupt. Lives can become disrupted. People can
feel scared and out of
control. Some examples of how some secrets have slipped to
the surface include:
* A
couple married nine years went to their physician because of an infertility
problem. The doctor made a
casual comment from the wife's records about a
prior abortion seven years ago in
front of the husband who knew nothing about
any prior pregnancy,
* Twelve years into a failing
marriage a husband found out that his wife was a
victim of ongoing childhood incest
from a diary that she used to keep as a young
adolescent. The wife thought
that she had thrown the diary away a long time
ago,
* An alcoholic father in recovery
came to apologize to his son and make amends
for the harm he caused his son's
wife fifteen years ago while the son was serving
on ship in the Navy. In a
drunken state he had sexually assaulted his
daughter-in-law. When the
son came home from shipboard duty, the wife,
without disclosing the assault,
sabotaged any kind of attempt that the father
would make for a relationship with
his son, resulting in virtually no relationship.
She would tear up any letters or
holiday cards. The son felt rejected by his
father. The wife never told
the husband because she felt it was her fault. The
father thought the son knew about what
happened because of his son's distancing.
* A wife, married to an airline
pilot, finds out about her husband's infidelity from a
mistress who thought that he was
unmarried. The mistress, who lived almost
2200 miles away, suspected her
boyfriend of cheating on her
39
when she came across a suspicious telephone
number. She dialed the number and
told the woman on the other end of
the line, unaware that this was her boyfriend's
wife, to leave him alone because
he was committed to her and they are going to get
married,
* One young man attempted suicide
after his gay lover mistakenly confronted his
brother whom he thought was
another lover ....
When
people do not have a safe container to pour their secrets into, they keep them
to themselves in an emotional
container which becomes intoxicated with a false
sense of reality. The inner
self-loathing and low self-esteem (and the inner dialogue
and self-talk that accompany them)
oftentimes distort reality and result in poor
decision making and sabotaging of
goals. The Alcoholic Anonymous (1976) 12 step
program refers to the "inner
committee" when referring to the obsessive thoughts
that will not go away but continue
to remain within the person's mind in an
accusatory manner. The
thoughts may go "around and around and around" for years
without relief. Instead of
allowing "Will and Reason" at the steering wheel of life,
emotions of shame, guilt,
loathe-fullness and fears are the pilots which guide like a
ship without a rudder, blown by
turbulence of emotions wherever the wind directs
the ship to go. The
impression of the trauma remains locked in the psyche, takes its
toll on the body and plays havoc
with relationships because of the unpredictability
of "the nature of the
beast."
The author of The Strong and the Weak (I 963) states that
"Impressions without
expression produces depression
.... Everyone knows that an emotion held in
check, a bereavement in which one
'has not been able to weep,' a secret
disappointment in love, produces
disorders. The sensitive are ashamed of their
sensitiveness and try to conceal
it. It then finds an outlet in false reactions, for
which they are taken to task, and
this makes them still more ashamed of their
sensitivity - and so the vicious
circle is closed" (page 126).
From our
earliest years we can be exposed to impressions that can imprint a wound
so severe as to interfere with
healthy emotional development. Impression without
expression can also lead to
relational aggression and, most certainly, to frustration.
How much life is robbed from
individuals who suffer from depression, aggression
and frustration because there is
not a safe container for the secrets that they hold
inside themselves? I believe
that Roman Catholic Christians have a better grasp on
the importance of releasing
"secret sins" through the sacrament of Reconciliation
(confession). In this
sacrament they have an opportunity to go to someone who
stands in as the representative of
Christ, who will not judge them, but who stands
ready to forgive them and free
them from their guilt. However, even when
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...many destructive private vows can accompany deep dark secrets. |
there is prayer from a pastor for a dark
secret, or a sacramental release of a secret
sin, oftentimes there is another
needed accompaniment of release psychotherapy - in
order for the individual to work
through the pain, and experience a more fuller
freedom from the shame, guilt,
fears, etc. Both are sometimes needed and beneficial
before an individual can receive
relief in the mind, body and emotions as well as in
the spirit. This in no way
minimizes the graces available through prayer or the
Sacrament of Reconciliation.
Psychotherapy, however, may affect how an
individual disposes themselves to
receive those graces of forgiveness since it gives a
person the opportunity to examine
how the "inner committee" may continue to voice
condemnations on them.
Herein lies the reason for many multiple confessions
for
the very same sin. The
person may have no rest from the inner condemnations and
simply not believe that they are
forgiven.
Telling the Story
The
telling of one's story is an important step into a deeper healing. I
learned this
lesson from a woman client whose
son committed suicide by hanging. For more
than four months she would come
into weekly sessions with an obsessive need to
tell the same detailed story of
what happened to her son. I became frustrated after
hearing the same story for the
fifth or sixth time, but no matter what I did or said
therapeutically, I could not move
her from her fixation. She insisted on telling her
story even to the point of
interrupting my therapeutic flow. I decided to face my
frustrations and went with the
client's resistance. She needed to tell her story in a
safe environment and I was not
going to get in the way. Several times I felt that she
was not benefiting from
therapy. I even sought consultation from a colleague who
wisely encouraged me to
"stick it out with her, because she needed to tell her story,
and when the time is right for her
she would move onto other issues." Sure enough!
After about another twelve more
times of hearing her tell the same story, she came
into a session without starting it
off with her son's name. She was ready to move on.
This was an important lesson for
me to learn as a psychotherapist. Hearing my
client tell her story was not only
an important part of her healing and recovery, but a
vital necessity. I almost
short-circuited her therapeutic process because I wanted to
move faster than my client was
willing or able to go.
Sharing
one's secret or story with family can be helpful but, more times then not, it
is not emotionally safe to do
so. Judgments, frustrations and criticism may seem to
flow without awareness of pain
being afflicted. If I as
4 1
a trained therapist could almost succumb
to feelings of frustration and irritation,
how much easier it is for family
members to do so also. It seems that family
members feel they have more of a
license to say whatever they want to, and they do.
"Come on! Snap out of
it! How long is this _ going to continue?" Consequently, the
environment for healing may become
even more toxic than it was before, sometimes
with almost fatal results.
Although friends seem to be less critical than family
members, the friends usually do
not have a sense of therapeutic process and speak
what they feel or think can
relieve their friend for the present moment without
considering longer lasting
ramifications. No one wants to see a friend hurting.
Although the intentions are noble,
once again, the environment proves itself not
safe.
One case
comes to mind of a young lady who became pregnant and went to her
friends for "advice and
consolation" even though she knew that she could not have
an abortion. She was willing
to carry to term and adopt out. However, the friends
advised her to have an abortion,
and following that advice sent her into a depressive
tailspin, with suicidal
ideations. Her friends wanted to help her and thought that this
advice would do so. But,
after the abortion, the "friends" did not know how to
handle her depression and did what
most people do when confronted with their own
care-taking limitations. Out
of a feeling of helplessness, they began to avoid her,
thus leaving her alone in
isolation with her own "inner committee."
The Second Nature of a
Secret
If the
very nature of a secret is that it wants to be discovered, the second nature is
to control someone's life, and
usually the life of the "secret holder." Most assuredly
other lives are also controlled by
the secret. This is because many destructive
private vows can accompany deep
dark secrets. "I will never tell anyone what
happened," "I will never
trust anyone with this information about me...... I will not
let anyone come too close to
me," "I will not put myself in any relationship where I
could get hurt again,"
"My life as a child was so screwed up that I will never have
children in order to spare them
from the kind of suffering I experienced." One client,
age 36, came in after her third
abortion and stated, "I had such a hard, abusive life
with my parents struggling at
every turn, that I will not have any children until I am
financially stable." Another
embittered client expressed her private vow; "I will do
whatever it takes to get ahead,
even if I have to......
To undo a
private vow that has been established in one's personality early in youth
takes a lot of work by the
client. When the vow is supporting a "secret" it is even
more deeply rooted within the
psyche. As I mentioned earlier, the secret takes on a
life of its own. However,
for healthier life to return to the secret holder, the secrets
must be uncovered and worked
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The more he explored in therapy of what he had lost and the "bridges" lie had burned because of his private vow, the more regretful he became.
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through safety and any destructive private vows
broken. Try as they might, it is
difficult, and in some cases
impossible, to run away from the shamefulness and
anguish of the past. It must
be worked through. Proverbs
trap for a man to dedicate
something rashly and only later to consider his vows"
(NIV). Jeremiah
see him? declares
the Lord. Do not I fill heaven and earth? Declares the Lord"
(NIV). Psalms 44:21 states, "Would
not God have discovered it, since he knows
the secrets of the heart?" (NIV).
Breaking the Private Vow
Whenever
breaking any vow of the past that continues to control who we are and
how we operate as an individual
and in relationships in the present, it is imperative
that we reach out to another so
that they can stand as a witness and in agreement
with us in the renouncing and
breaking of those vows. 11 Corinthians 4:2 tells us
that, "Rather, we have
renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use
deception, nor do we distort the
word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the
truth plainly we commend ourselves
to every man's conscience in the sight of God."
Oftentimes, the therapist is that
person who can help whittle-away at those vows.
As we become aware of these
private vows, it is in joining together with another
that we can be motivated to
redirect our energy and regain a healthier perspective of
the reality of the present.
One must move carefully away from any destructive and
counterproductive self-promises
made in the past.
This
reevaluation and redirection of life will be done in real time, with another
person standing in agreement of
the breaking of a promise and vow that may have
been made at a time when it was
necessary for survival. Now it is no longer needed
or useful to healthy living.
In the case where a real person(s), i.e., the
perpetrator(s), was somehow
involved at the time the vow was originally made, and
where others have unknowingly
helped to maintain the vow, now a real person, i.e.,
a therapist, may assist in
breaking what is no longer necessary. Even if a private
vow does not involve another
person, but originated from a shameful act or lifestyle,
it is still imperative that
another trusted individual stand in agreement with the desire
to change and break away from old
patterns of responding to past vows. Keep in
mind that deep dark secrets may
stay imprinted within the psyche for long periods of
time. Consequently, making a
change from a reality based on a painful past may not
happen quickly.
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Case Presentation: A male client raised by his father and
grandfather had a
message that "the strong are
the ones who get ahead in the world" abusively
drummed into him from very early
childhood. His grandfather would beat him in
order to "toughen him
up" and told him that unless he became like an iron rod,
"other people will walk over
him, control him, and use him." The client said, "if
I
cried, he would hit me more.
So I learned to take his abuse and not cry about it."
His grandfather actually taught
him to repeat, "I am an iron rod." As he moved into
adolescence and early adulthood,
he entered into dysfunctional reciprocal
relationships in which he was the
independent, aggressive and powerful partner in
the relationship. He
remembered saying many times to these partners, "I am an iron
rod. Nobody is going to walk
over me. No one is going to bend me." He was very
proud of the motto. At the
age of 48 and in his third failing marriage he came into
therapy at the insistence of his
wife. She was about to leave him but wanted to give
therapy a chance. He was
insistent on remaining faithful to his private vow that "I
love my wife but no one was going to
change me." He was resistant to therapy. In
the fourth session he stated,
"why should I change for anybody. I am my
own
person. This is me and if
she does not like it that is too bad." He further concluded,
"I like who I am and if there
is a problem then she has to deal with it." As he
revealed the proud mentoring he
had received from his grandfather, he also sadly
revealed what he had lost because
of the vow that he made as a child to be "an iron
rod - unbendable." The more
he explored in therapy of what he had lost and the
"bridges" he had burned
because of his private vow, the more regretful he became.
In the therapeutic process he was
willing to ask his wife to stand in agreement and
as witness to the breaking of his
long-maintained vow. He was able to say, "I'm not
an iron rod and I was never meant
to be an iron rod. I am happier when I am
flexible and compromising."
His marriage then began to take a more favorable
direction. He is now able to
recognize those strong rigidities whenever he is in
conflict with his wife.
Through a
process of "over identification" the holder of the secret carries,
often
unconsciously, elements of the
secret into their endeavors and other relationships.
Over identification and displaced
anger often join together as a result of unresolved
past events. One woman said,
"My father was a bastard and a no-good-creep, and
that's the way all men are.
I can't trust any man." This means that not only is the life
of the secret holder being
affected and controlled, but also the lives of those the
secret holder touches. There
is an intermingling of the feelings from the past with
the issues in the present.
It is not at all unusual for past feelings to be displaced on
issues unrelated to the original
wound. I am reminded of the story of King Midas
who turned everything he touched
into gold. The secret holder's touch can be like a
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Through a process of "over identification" the holder of the secret carries, often unconsciously, elements of the secret into their endeavors and other relationships.
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Midas touch! As a
psychotherapist, I often see lives that have been controlled and
mangled by painful secrets.
Oftentimes I see persons bewildered and frightened after a secret has been
exposed. More times then not
a client's presenting problem masks the real problem.
Their secret had wreaked enough
havoc in their lives and the lives of those they live
with to finally bring them into
psychotherapy. Years of living in their secret capsule
have resulted in low self-esteem,
self sabotaging efforts, deteriorating emotional
health, spiritual impairment and
deterioration, physical disorders, infidelity, and the
use of drugs and alcohol to
alleviate the pain of the secret. Even when the client has
come to trust in the
client/therapist relationship, it may still take an extended amount
of time before the client is
willing to divulge the real problem. The sooner the secret
is safely and appropriately
divulged, the sooner life takes on a hopeful dimension
without the pressure of
tenaciously having to continuously maintain and guard the
secret.
Whenever
there is a history of child abuse - emotional, physical or sexual; a rape
or sexual assault; a painful
abortion(s); a regretful act or series of acts; or any
shameful experience that is
robbing the life out of a person, seeing a psychotherapist
for a few sessions may make an
incredible difference in the person's quality of life.
Obviously, resolving some traumas
may take more than a few sessions. My point is
that once a safe container and a
healthy environment with a good client/therapist
relationship or support group is
established, then a new reality that is based on the
promotion of self-growth and
stability in relationships can be experienced, versus
staying with the same old
dysfunctional ways of reacting to one's own-tunneled
outlook on life. Instead of
using a tremendous amount of energy and physical
resources protecting the secrets
of the past from being exposed today resulting in
today never being lived, and fear
of what tomorrow will bring., there is a new hope
for tomorrow because today is
suddenly rich with emotional and physical resources
and opportunities that would not
have been available or appreciated if the secrets
were to be kept locked-up
within. Reality takes on more of an objective outlook
versus a reality that is
continuously subjectively based. The results; new hope, new
energy, new opportunities for a
career; new tools for risking, a new spiritual
outlook, new opportunities for
healthier relationships and a stronger and happier
you!
45
Conclusion
Obviously what has been presented here does not fit the extreme forms of every
secret that is being held.
Most secrets do force the secret-holder into some kind of
hyper-vigilance and an avoidant
kind of lifestyle where a healthier lifestyle has been
curtailed for self
protection. Depending on what is going on within the psyche at
any one time and the shifting
challenges that rise up unexpectedly, the degree of
avoidance changes. If the
challenges are light and current issues present little
conflict then the degree of
avoidance and hyper-vigilance may require only five or
ten percent adaptation in
self-protection. However, if a high-level challenge forces
itself into the arena of living,
then the avoidance and hyper vigilance can shoot up
toward the one hundred percent
level of adaptation in self-protection. The higher
the percentage of adaptation for self-protection, the greater the
probability for
dysfunctionality because of any private vow
which could move into full operation,
controlling and distorting reality.
References
Alcoholics Anonymous, (1976).
Services, Inc.
Baars, Conrad. (1981), Psychic Wholeness
and Healing.
of
Tournier, Paul. (1963). The
Strong and The Weak.
Jim Benefield,
MSpEd,
practice in the
Marriage and Family Therapists,
the Association of Christian Therapists, and the
American Psychotherapy
Association. Reader comments would be appreciated.
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If you have a secret that you need to get out of your head, write it down and send it to Jim Benefield. He is in the process of putting together a book on Breaking Destructive Private Vows. Tell how the secret has controlled your life and the extremes that you have gone through to protect it, and how diminished life may have been for you. He would appreciate hearing from you (his address is at the beginning of this article) and may even be able to respond.
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