Rachel's Hope
After Abortion Healing and
Reconciliation for Catholic Women
(or Catholic friendly)
Not Judged or Lectured, Just Healed - A workshop leader reflects on
caring for women who've had abortions
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By
Rosemary Benefield R.N., M.A.
On a humid Friday evening last September, seven women filed quietly into the |
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The seven were all Catholics who had had abortions. Maybe they wondered if they'd be judged or lectured to at the extended workshop led by Rosemary Benefield and co-led with Nadya Rossi. But one participant later called the Catholic workshop "nonjudgemental, soothing, understanding, and sympathetic."
The women got to know each other and the leaders by sharing their pain and their goals for the weekend, and as the evening progressed. much of the tension subsided.
"On Friday night I walked into the meeting room and was not sure what kept me there - my desperation for relief?, The Holy Spirit guiding me? The leaders' ability to create a calming and welcoming atmosphere? Maybe some of each," one woman recalled.
The women were of different ages and backgrounds. Some had had recent abortions, others had suffered the experience years before. Some were professional women, others homemakers, and some were students. They were married. divorced and single. All of the women had an allegiance to the Catholic Church, some very distant. but still with a desire to be at peace with God, themselves and the Catholic Church. Some expressed that they had gone to confession one or more times confessing the abortions. and still didn't feel forgiven. One woman said despite absolution by the priest, she could not feel forgiven and she doubts anything anyone can say could ever change that.
On Saturday, all seven entered the workshop appearing less tense and anxious and anticipating the day. The leaders presented information and Scripture readings and gave the women a chance to examine their feelings and share with each other. Many of their insights seemed helpful for everyone. As the women left that evening, they appeared lighter.
Sunday started later. giving the women an opportunity to attend Mass with their families. More Scripture and exercises designed to free the women from the burdens they had been carrying followed. The women had a chance to say if their goals had been met and all stated they had. Above all, they all stated that they now felt forgiven.
Mass and confession concluded the workshop. The women were invited to go to
confession during the dinner break. Father Patrick J. Waite, an ex-marine
chaplain and diocesan priest from
Father Pat remarked that "the workshop and sacraments became an opportunity for outreach that just was not available previously." He further stated that "we (Catholic Charities) had worked months prior to that trying to achieve a meeting place for post-abortive women, but such a common ground was not achievable until now." He explained that the "experience of the day led so naturally into the process of confession/reconciliation and then the sequence of celebrating the Eucharist was deeply meaningful. "He concluded by saving that "feelings of relief and joy were experienced by the priest/confessor almost as much as the penitents themselves. The final end-product is the sense of resurrection."
Six of the seven handed in workshop evaluation forms. On a scale of ten, five of the women rated it a "ten." one woman rated it an 8. All six said they would recommend it to a friend.
I recommend this workshop to every Catholic woman who has had an abortion. I am especially moved at the healing I witnessed that weekend. Some follow-up comments were: "Church on Sunday felt so good! I went to Communion and I felt like a member of the Church (rather than an outsider) for the first time in many years." One stated. "I feel much more acceptable in all my relationships, at Mass, etc." Another woman commented that "the relationships in the family are better and I feel a lot happier since the workshop." Another declared. `I came home Sunday night feeling so good. I called a lot of people because I couldn't contain my enthusiasm." The same woman said. "I've gained a much better understanding of Christ's expectations and the readings in the Bible. This really means a lot to me. I have so much to learn. I've already begun praying and reading the Bible every day."
In writing this I reflect on how the Lord has directed my life and given me a
compassionate heart to lead these workshops. I am a native San Diegan, a
graduate of the
I use the materials developed from the Silent Voices workshop, and I have added Catholic teachings, traditions and, above all, the sacraments.
Many Catholic women who have had abortions have left the Catholic Church and sought their healing in other churches. One young woman in the September workshop said she "never expected to receive healing through the Catholic Church." we need to reach out to those women who are looking to feel truly reconciled with the Church in order to return. I have discovered also that we need to instruct more women that the sacrament of confession / reconciliation is necessary after an abortion in order to be in communion with the Church, and to be able to receive the Eucharist again.
One woman called me, in response to seeing the announcement in the bulletin, asking if she can be reconciled back into the Church after not receiving Communion for the past 49 years. She said for the past 49 years she "cried every time Communion was distributed and I could not receive." I assured her that she can go to confession to her parish priest in order to be able to receive Communion again. She wept tears of joy.
Unfortunately abortion, which seems to be gaining acceptance in society, is as frequent among Catholic women as it is elsewhere. One woman in the workshop stated "everyone is doing it." But as women are wounded, so will their parents, husbands, and surviving children be affected. Post-abortion syndrome is a type of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as described in the diagnostic manual DSM IV, with many of the same symptoms and consequences. Abortion is not a simple procedure that is quickly forgotten. It is always remembered in some way. Defense mechanisms such a suppression, repression and rationalization are used for survival, but sooner or later these defense mechanisms become weaker and weaker and the pain keeps increasing until something is done.
Dr. Julius Fogel, a psychiatrist and obstetrician, states that every woman, whatever her age, background or sexuality, has a trauma at destroying a pregnancy. A level of humanness is touched. This is a part of her own life. When she destroys a pregnancy, she is destroying herself... it is not as harmless and casual an event as many in the pro-abortion crowd insist. A psychological price is paid. It may be alienation: it may be a pushing away from human warmth, perhaps a hardening of the maternal instinct. Something happens on the deeper levels of a woman's consciousness when she destroys a pregnancy.
Relief in Aftermath of Abortion
By Kim Camplisson
The Southern Cross -
October 24, 1996
"Rachel mourns her children, she refuses to be consoled because her
children are no more. Thus says the Lord: Cease your cries of
mourning. Wipe away tears from your eyes. They sorrow you have
shown shall have its reward.... There is hope for your future."
Jeremiah 31:15-17
Often, a woman who has had an abortion is inconsolable in mourning for her child who is no more. For these women, and others who have been affected by abortion, there is hope. Rachel's Hope.
Rachel's Elope workshops provide a chance for healing and reconciliation for those affected by the after-effects of abortion. Through their counseling work, Rosemary Benefield, a registered nurse with a masters in pastoral counseling and her husband, Jinn Benefield, a licensed marriage and family therapist (MFCC), see a great number of women suffering from post-abortion trauma.
Its effects include grief, anger depression, unstable relationships, fear of punishment, guilt, addictions, and difficulty in parenting.
"The women who tell me about having an abortion are surprised to find that it has led to a multitude of problems," explained Jim.
Through her past work as director of the pro-life office at
Mercy Clinic. Rosemary saw many women who had experienced the trauma of
abortion. She referred them to Silent Voices, an evangelical, Bible-based
workshop in
To serve these needs, Rosemary got permission from Silent Voices to adapt their materials to develop her with a program. For the past two year,- Rachel's Hope, a three-day workshop for Catholics, has helped more than 70 women through their grief.
The goal of the workshop, Jim pointed out, is to "bring women to a deeper awareness of God's love and of their faith.
"We strive to help women be instruments of God's love," he said, "instead of hiding in their shame and secrecy."
Rachel's Hope workshops combine counseling to help women reconcile with themselves and others, with the sacrament of reconciliation and Mass, celebrated by Father Pat Waite, for those who need to be reconciled with God and the Church.
"Some women don't know that they can confess an abortion: they think they are excommunicated (forever)," noted Rosemary. "Some others go to confession over and over, never feeling forgiven."
Men can also be affected by trauma after an abortion, "with feelings of powerlessness, role conflict, lowered self-image, guilt, depression, emptiness, remorse and sadness." Rosemary said.
"Men, as well as women, often experience the perpetual feelings of emptiness which may last a lifetime, because parents are parents forever, even of their unborn child," Jim elaborated. "'This can make emotional resolution nearly impossible, because there is no visible conclusion, just a haunting memory. The grieving process is left unfinished."
To provide an avenue for a grief process to take place. Jim recently developed a one-day workshop for men who need to work through their feelings in the aftermath of the abortion of someone close to them. The workshop is geared for husbands, boyfriends and fathers of daughters saddened by an abortion.
Rosemary explained that even though society accepts and even promotes abortion as a woman's right, there is still great shame and secrecy attached. Many women have never told anyone about their abortions.
Women attending the workshop "come on Friday night scared to death," she said. "Yet over the course of the weekend, they sec others have the same feelings; they start feeling more normalized, they come out of isolation."
Both the women's and men's workshops are held at the
Call
for future workshops for women and men. Donation for the women's workshop
is $45, and $25 for the men's. Full or partial
scholarships are available. For more information on the workshops, also
programs available in Spanish, call Rachel's Hope at (858)581-3022. All calls
are confidential.
Healing
For Hurting Women
By Rosemary Benefield R.N., M.A.
The Southern Cross - January 15, 1998
"Where there was darkness, now there is light"
What is it like to join the "land of the living" after experiencing an emotional and spiritual death? With fear and trepidation, 114 women dared to dive into their fears to rejoin life, allowing them to face the deepest pain in their life: the aftermath of an abortion. Finding healing meant understanding the effects brought on by their own action: pain that wouldn't go away.
The women found courage to reach out for help and called Rachel's Hope, a ministry which offers help toward Post-Abortion Healing and Reconciliation. Many made that first phone call after hearing a speaker from Rachel's Hope present a message of hope and healing in a way that they had never heard before.
The speaker's compassionate message was drawn from Pope John Paul II's The Gospel of Life. In it, he speaks to post aborted women: "The Church is aware of the marry factors which may have influenced your decision, and she does not doubt that in many cases it was a painful and even shattering decision. The wound in your heart may not yet have beaked.
"Certainly what happened was and remains terribly wrong. But do not give into discouragement and do not lose hope. Try rather to understand what happened and face it honestly.., give yourselves over with humility and trust to repentance. The Father of mercies is ready to give you his forgiveness and his peace in the sacrament of reconciliation.
"You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost, and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord. With the friendly and expert help and advice of other people, and as a result of your own painful experience, you can be among the most eloquent defenders of everyone's right to life."
The women and men whose hearts this message pricked knew they had an opportunity to come out from under their burden of shame and guilt. Some found their way through bulletin announcements that gave them hope for healing and reconciliation after abortion.
The avenue for healing that the Holy Father offers is reflected through the ministry of "Rachel's Hope," which provides a healing weekend workshop for women six times yearly. The ministry also provides a separate one-day workshop for men who suffer from the aftermath of abortion.
For many who have taken steps to heal the trauma of abortion in their lives, making that initial telephone contact was "so very difficult" It meant breaking their inner vow of secrecy regarding their abortion.
The trauma of destroying a pregnancy is clinically described as Post-Abortion Syndrome. Some symptoms experienced are: grief, anger, depression, difficulty in relationships, fear, guilt, and feeling estranged from God. Other symptoms include inability to feel forgiven or to forgive oneself, repeated confessions, self punishment, addictions, or other effects.
Women who have attended a post abortion reconciliation workshop state
that they receive a deep and
lasting healing. One letter received by Rachel's Hope reads: "After my
abortion I was unable to forgive myself and afraid to go to confession, so I
didn't. I continued receiving the sacraments, even married in the Church. I was
convinced at the workshop of the importance of taking this to confession before
receiving Eucharist again. The priest who heard my confession at the workshop
was wonderful. I am so happy that I can now forgive myself and receive ,Jesus in communion worthily."
Healing,
Reconciliation for Abortion's Other Victims
By Kim Camplisson
The Southern Cross -
March 26, 1998
"At 6 O'clock one bitter cold
morning, 20 years ago when I was a pastor in Salt Lake City, a young
woman rang my doorbell," remembered Father Louis Fischer, a retired
hospital chaplain. "Mascara was running down her face from her tears. It was the 10th anniversary of her
abortion, and she told me that on all 10 anniversaries she had considered
suicide.
It broke my heart."
Seeing firsthand how "devastating abortion is to the human spirit"
led Father Fischer to reach out to women despairing over a past abortion. His
empathy for these grieving women has led him to Rachel's Hope, a healing
ministry for women who are grieving over past abortions. Along with Father Pat
Waite, a retired naval chaplain, he celebrates Mass at the end of the Rachel's
Hope weekends after hearing the women's confessions.
The
weekends, run by Rosemary Benefield, an RN with a
Masters in Marriage and Family Counseling and Pastoral Counseling, average 10
women. "A larger group couldn't achieve the same healing, said Father
Waite. "By the time we come to hear confessions,"
he continued, "the women have already released a lot of their grief and
anger: I wish everybody who used the sacrament of reconciliation was as
well-prepared."
Many of the women have received sacramental reconciliation in the past, but are still burdened by guilt, said Father Fischer. "You can have all the sacramental absolution in the world, but unless you are open to the Good News, it is difficult to forgive yourself."
Father Waite concurs. Due to fear and shame, many women confessed their abortions anonymously, in circumstances which did not give their confessors adequate time to counsel and console them He finds the Rachel's Hope experience satisfying because it gives him the chance to "really be a practitioner of the art of father confessor."
The weekend experience allows the priest to "bring the compassion and healing of Jesus" to the women, explained Father Fischer, to bring "healing, understanding and acceptance" in a way that might not have been as evident in an anonymous confession. The weekend seminar lets them work through their pain with others who are in similar situations.
While the priests do not participate in the workshops, they do get a chance to meet the women and help them feel at ease before confession. "I tell them that the earliest Christians called confession a second baptism, and that now they'll be restored to baptismal purity," said Father Waite. But, unlike their baptisms as infants, "this time they came on their own; they weren't carried to this baptism," he said. "I tell them how wonderful it is to have them back," said Father Fischer. Both priests strive to help restore a sense of self-worth to the women.
Rosemary really does a good job of loving these women," remarked Father
Fischer.
Some of the women who have
participated in Rachel's Hope volunteer to visit deanery meetings to share
their experience with pastors. "This helps (priests) if they haven't had
the opportunity, besides the occasional encounter in the confessional, to hear
a personal story of how (the abortion) transpired."
While the guilt the women feel doesn't magically disappear after the healing weekend, Father Fischer says the Rachel's Hope experience reminds the women that "the Lord does tenderly and lovingly care for them."
For information on upcoming Rachel's Hope weekends or separate one-day workshops for men affected by abortion, call Rosemary or Jim Benefield at (858) 581-3022. All names and information ark confidential.
Fear,
Denial Keep Abortion's Second Victims From Seeking Help
By Ann Aubrey Hanson
The Southern Cross -
October 22, 1998
An abortion usually becomes the
"deep dark secret" that imprints upon the heart and psyche like a
photograph frozen in time.
Unlike a photograph, however, all of the associated feeling are also frozen, stored within the heart and mind. The memory of the secret trauma may go deep into a repressed mode, but the heart and mind have not lost track of the painful event. An emotional eruption can occur like a volcano anywhere in time, and often on issues unrelated to the abortion experience.
Many women have reported emotional difficulties after an abortion, but relatively few seek help for healing. One might ask why is this so?
According to Rosemary Benefield, who conducts workshops for women recovering from the aftermath of abortions, fear is the dominant force keeping women from looking for healing. "They fear being discovered or they fear being judged," says Benefield. "They also fear rejection." In the minds of these women, it is better to keep quiet about their pain than risk whatever they fear awaits them.
Denial is a second cause of their delay in seeking help. "They deny any need for healing, and they deny any wrong- doing," says Benefield. Denial is a form of self defense, she adds, since if they deny pain or wrongdoing, they can be free from guilt or the need to seek help.
Others do not seek help because they feel that what they have done is so evil that they do not deserve forgiveness. They will not ask forgiveness from others because they cannot forgive themselves. This hopelessness can lead a woman to suicide and most certainly will wreak havoc on any current or future relationships. A woman who hates herself cannot fully love others.
Social mores allow women to continue a path of denial, as pro-choice advocates try to convince these women that the only thing of which they are guilty is exercising their right to choose.
"They know innately that what they did is wrong," says Jim Benefield, a licensed psychotherapist who works with both
men and women who suffer from Post-Abortion Syndrome. "They hear the
rhetoric that what they ended wasn't a pregnancy, it was just tissue, but then
they wonder why they feel bad. Some of the symptoms of Post Abortion Syndrome,
which can be experienced by women or men, are shame, grief, anger, depression,
difficult relationships, fear, guilt, feeling estranged from God, addictions,
self punishment, eating disorders, physical disorders, and sometimes difficulty
parenting. Catholic women frequently make repeated confessions, because they
feel unforgiven and unforgivable.
Once
women break through the obstacles of fear and denial, they can then seek help,
through individual therapy or through group workshops. When they do seek
help, the pain truly begins. "They must go through the pain, says Jim Benefield. "Only then can the
healing process begin.
In San Diego, "Rachel's Hope" Post Abortion Healing & Reconciliation weekend workshops allow women the opportunity to face their feelings of guilt and regret resulting from abortion, whether the abortion was recent or as long ago as 50 years.
These workshops are small, intimate gathering of seven or eight women, typically, where each woman is given an opportunity to receive what she might not receive in individual therapy. She gets to listen to the sharings of other women who have been affected by abortion, just as she has been. The women realize that they are not alone in their actions or in their pain. They are also given the opportunity of receiving the sacrament of reconciliation from a priest who is familiar with the deep-seated, spiritual agony that can send a woman spiraling into helpless despair after an abortion.
Given the sensitivity of the workshop and the fully assured confidentiality, "The healing (at the workshops) is much more than I could ever do in individual therapy," Jim Benefield says.
Rachel's Hope workshops are offered several times throughout the year. Both
workshops will be held at the
Hope
For Healing After Abortion
By Ann Aubrey Hanson
The Southern Cross - January 14, 1999
Emily suffered after her abortion for
more than four years. Her body healed, but her mind and spirit were in
pain. Anger, in its many manifestations, prevented her from
grieving. And so she couldn't heal.
Eventually (by the grace of God, she says), she saw a flyer for the Rachel's
Hope Post-Abortion Workshop offered locally by Rosemary Benefield.
Full of self-hatred, depression and despair, she was
afraid to go to the workshop, "but I couldn't continue to live like that,
with the despair," she recalls. ...
So she
took a chance and registered. That weekend was a lifesaver for me,"
says Emily. For three days she looked deep into herself, discovering hidden
emotions and releasing those that wouldn't allow her to heal. Emily (not her
real name) sings the praises of the workshop, and of Benefield.
"Rosemary is a walking saint on this earth," she declares. "She
has endless energy and was there with us every moment" of the weekend.
"The workshop doesn't make everything go away," cautions Emily. "But it helped me to understand my feelings," and started her on the road to healing. An immediate benefit of the weekend came when she discovered that the six other women in the workshop were also injured by their abortions and were experiencing the same emotions that were dragging her under. The other women became "like sisters" to Emily during the intensive hours they spent talking and initiating the healing process.
"That was my rebirth," says Emily. She says that the healing only began during the workshop and that it continues today.
The workshop lasted three grinding days, but "it's that long and intense on purpose," says Emily. "They can't allow our coping skills to kick in."
On Friday night, the women shared their individual experiences with abortion. Though the specifics of the stories were unique, each woman was haunted by the same emotions following the abortion. "We all had feelings of guilt and shame," says Emily. "It helped to realize that we weren't the only ones feeling this. It was a great opportunity to come to grips with my hidden feelings."
0n Saturday, Benefield discussed the post-abortion syndrome and its effects. Then she spoke of God's love, healing and forgiveness. Emily acknowledged the immeasurable value of having a Scripture-based workshop, since it brought home to her the final realization of God's love and forgiveness.
One exercise was designed to move the women through guilt to grief. "You forget that you are grieving," says Emily, "because your emotions are focused on guilt and shame. But you can't heal without grieving."
On Sunday, the women wrote letters, including a letter to God, a letter from God and a letter to their child. There was ample time for writing and sharing and, consequently, healing. In the evening, Father Louis Fischer offered the sacrament of reconciliation. "He's so loving and caring," says Emily, "It was a wonderful experience." While she had been to confession before and received absolution, this time she was able to forgive herself.
After reconciliation, the women went to Mass, where they dedicated their unborn children to God in front of the statue of the Holy Family. That moment was "a huge breakthrough for me," says Emily. "It gave me the opportunity to bring (her daughter) closer to God in my own heart."
"I'll never forget what I did. But I can forgive myself. And I know my baby is with God." That knowledge seems to bring great comfort to Emily, "That was the best, and hardest, weekend of my life," she says. "It's hard to say that we need help, but there are times when we do, when we can't do it ourselves."
"My prayer is that ministers and pastors will speak about Rachel's Hope,
to let people know that help is available. You're not forever condemned to walk
the earth alone and carry the guilt."
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Mail: P.O. Box: 17363