Rachel's Hope
After Abortion Healing and
Reconciliation for Men
Men and Abortions:
Action Promotes Trust
Jim Benefield, MFCC
Rachel's Hope
P.O. Box 17363
San Diego, CA 92177
jimbenefield@juno.com
(858) 581-0952
IF men are congruent with their message of support to their partner before she becomes pregnant, both verbally and in actions, then the 'crisis pregnancy' will present itself as less of a stressor that could immediately push for an abortion, resulting in the risk of downward spiraling in their relationship. Even though this would be an untimely pregnancy, the man can help overcome the 'flight' mentality of his partner by showing her, ‘with his actions' that his support is firmly in place and together they could adjust to this 'crisis.'
It is common knowledge that women are more relational than men, and that the way they are relational is different from men. In the home, the mother and wife sets the emotional tone, and more times than not, the spiritual tone for each relationship within that home. She mediates between dad and the children, between the siblings, and between any outside interference that will affect her family. The father also mediates, but mediation falls more naturally within the relational scope of the mother of the house. It follows then that the better the relationship between mother and father, the healthier will be the emotional tone within the family environment. When this emotional tone is tampered with by a major event such as an abortion within the family, in most cases, the relationship takes a downward dive. The hostility directed outwardly towards the partner as well as the hostility directed inwardly towards the self, short-circuits the momentum of affection that is needed to keep the relationship between husband and wife moving in an ascending direction. This plunge within the relationship can be like an airplane whose engine and instruments have suddenly died and it abruptly begins a rapid, out-of-control descent. It can also be less drastic with only a steady but rapid decent. The outcome is still the same, the airplane crashes.
Because a woman operates out of her desire to be in relationship with her husband, it is imperative that the man that she is in relationship with be a healthy soulmate. Basically this means that "love" must flow freely "between" them in order for this love to continue its growth. This "love" between" them is not just sexual love but represents something much higher in the emotional and spiritual arena. As long as there is mutual respect for each other, this inter-love will continue to produce maturation within their relationship. Their inter-love union will stretch the partners into fresher expressions of love because of the respect for the covenant of marriage and all that marriage necessitates. This includes untimely pregnancies. However, when a man is passive and/or unsupportive of his partner's pregnancy, a strain on the relationship begins. The more antagonistic he is towards the pregnancy the more tension increases. Instead of hearing words of commitment towards her and his "love" for her, she now begins to hear "My commitment to you is that I will love you if the conditions are right. If not, I will default on my responsibility towards you and 'your' problem.
Scriptural Pattern of Love and Support
When
passivity and/or lack of support is expressed through
both the words and actions of the woman's husband/partner, she is not hearing
that he will stand by her during this time of "crisis." Instead, she
is receiving from him the message that he is not willing "to lay down his
life for his friend and soulmate." "Greater
love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends"(John
Death of Hope
If loyalty and steadfastness in the relationship are absent during this time of crisis, then fear will be the driving force, and the "death of hope" becomes realized. Intrusive and disturbing thoughts begin to enter in that will not away. "He doesn't love me." "Did he ever love me?" "Am I just a convenience for him.... If he will abandon our child this easily, what will it take for him to abandon me?" These are not thoughts that have come from female clients diagnosed with a Borderline Personality Disorder, but thoughts from women clients who became depressed when they discovered that the partner they selected was not what they thought they chose. They felt deceived.
Without even realizing what is happening and about to unfold in their relationship after an abortion, a woman can unconsciously begin closing the doors on the relationship to her husband/partner within her heart which were formerly wide open to him. Her unconscious rationale for shutting-down in the relationship is based on her fears of being subjected to further injury and abandonment by this man who loves so conditionally. One client expressed. "After all, how can I allow myself to stay in a relationship and risk becoming pregnant with this same man when I will forever see him as a source of my own self-hatred, because I abhor my existence." Due to her self-hatred and fear of the future she stated that she felt like Elijah who sat down and prayed that he might die. "I have had enough, Lord," he said. "Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors" (I Kings 19:4). "For my soul is full of trouble and my life draws near the grave" (Psalms 88:3). (This client's mother and sister also had abortions).
The Hate Clause
A "hate clause" can be injected within the covenant relationship. It can be represented by "I hate you for what you failed to do when I needed you most, and for what I did because I didn't have the strength to stand on my own." It may go on to say, "if I by-chance have another pregnancy by this man, I don't know if he will be there or if I will again be traumatized by his apathy. I don't want a partner that doesn't want to support my baby and me. I need someone I can trust. Regardless of whether he says he loves me, I don't even feel that I can even tolerate having another child by this same man. He would be a constant reminder of what I did in my previous pregnancy; that together we were instrumental in sacrificing our child for the 30 pieces of silver that represents life's opportunities such as a career, house, freedom, more money, etc."
I have had clients in marriage therapy who have expressed these sentiments. "There is no way that I could risk being, vulnerable with this man again. It's best that I cut my losses now." One client stated that she could never love a man again because somewhere down the road when a crisis arose, "I feel that he will abandon me." Consequently, these women can become polarized in their search for another soulmate.
The Meta-Problem / The Meta-Message
Over time, the actual pain of the abortion may be minimized and reduced to "repressed memory of pain," which could continue to pop-up at any given moment of discord. Also, the pain of the abortion could plausibly be masked by a different area of dysfunction within the relationship. Both may be unaware of what may be actually brewing underneath the "current problem." Consequently, the "meta-problem" or real issue remains unresolved. This gives permission for the real "meta-problem" to continue to reek havoc within the relationship, which is insidiously tearing the relationship into isolated parts.
If this couple did manage to stay together, it could indeed be a love/hate relationship. The statistic that I constantly hear is that approximately 70% of relationships break up within the first couple of months after an abortion. In my private practice this statistic seems to hold up.
When men display their apathy, hesitancy, or casual acceptance, they are giving a distinct message to their partner that fills her with doubts, anxiety, and fears. Unless the message received is clear and one of caring, empathy and trustfulness, the "meta-message," which is the message being heard, whether real or not, will then be a message that will promote confusion and even hostility from his partner. Because of her vulnerability, insecurities and fears, this confusion will also fill her with self-doubt about her femininity and her abilities to be successful in her motherhood. This self-doubt can inflict a "flight" rational that searches for "a way out of this crisis." The greater the history of past traumatization, the more intense will be the "flight" inclination. This oftentimes gives way to having an abortion, which contributes to further self-doubt. Except now she may add self-hatred to the self-doubt.
When
the man demonstrates his trustworthiness, not just by his words but also by his
actions, he goes a long way in helping his partner overcome the
"flight" mentality. He can become the instrument of encouragement
which may be what is needed to reduce the conflict and sparring within her.
"Should I complete this pregnancy, or should I abort." Scripture exhorts
us to be such instruments of encouragement. "And let us consider how we
may spur one another on toward love and good deeds" (Hebrews
Incongruent Communication
Women in therapy have reported that a frequent response from men when told of the pregnancy was, "whatever you want to do, I'll support you in the decision." This was a mistake in communication right at the beginning. These women stated that this was not what they wanted or needed to hear. One woman stated that what she was actually hearing her husband say was, "I really don't want to have this baby and I hope that you concur with this, but I'm afraid to say this outwardly." She reported feeling, infuriated at her husband's lack of commitment. She further stated, "I needed more, much more from him." She went on to say, "What I needed was for him to say, please don't do this,' and then to show me in action that he was committed to me and our pregnancy."
Men must pass on a more congruent message of support to their partner who is pregnant, instead of the oftentimes-passive statement of support which gives the "meta-messages" of no support. Men need to pass on the right message of "backing" early enough in the relationship, before there is a pregnancy, so that the resistance to a "crisis pregnancy" will be less of a disaster that could immediately push for an abortion and risk downward spiraling in their relationship.
One 22 year old client, we will call him Chuck, said that before his fiancée became pregnant, he gave her the message that he definitely was not ready to have children, which translated to her that he did not want to have children now, but would consider having children later. So, when she became pregnant, she got an abortion without even telling him that she was pregnant. This was her way of "trying to get along by going along" with his agenda. However, when she told him about the abortion, he broke off the engagement. She was devastated. He stated in session, "If I had taken accountability for my sexual irresponsibility before her pregnancy by letting her know of my commitment to her under any circumstances, which would include any untimely pregnancy, then she wouldn't have had fear strike her in her heart which took her to the abortion clinic." He went on to say, "Even though the pregnancy was untimely and I really didn't want to have a child because we’re both young, we would have adjusted."
That story says a lot about what this client and many women like her feel concerning support from their partner. Research has shown that of 44 factors studied, lack of partner support was the most important in deciding whether a child would be aborted (Ney, 1993). Therefore, men must be more verbally congruent with their partner in order that they not be misunderstood by a cavalier message of support which communicates indifference. This indifference places a reservation of trust in the heart that can be agonizing and prevents their love from becoming more solidified.
Congruent Communication and Action
Along with congruent words of support, action can also be used to strengthen what the husband/partner is saving. If he can "put his money where his mouth is," such as presenting her with a crib, or a baby car seat, or a stroller or anything else that represents his sincerity, the more convincing will be his commitment and his words of support, even though this is an untimely pregnancy. One client stated that he was able to convince his girlfriend of his sincerity by presenting her with a $1000.00 gift certificate to a local baby store. The more a man is willing to invest in that first impression of his commitment and support, the more a woman may consider alternative options to her initial "flight" response to this crisis pregnancy. In reality, she may still decide to have an abortion, but not without a very serious exploration into what is about to unfold. The decision to do so will be more completely hers. This does not mean that he is to place judgment, fault and blame on her, because out of anger that may be his impulsive tendency, but it does mean that there will be less abdication of responsibility on his part as father of the child.
Conclusion
I have had clients that decided
at the last moment not to go through with an abortion because they became
convinced that their partner was sincere. If my clientele is any indication,
the majority of women in a crisis pregnancy will go on to give birth if their
support system is intact, and especially when the support of the
husband/partner is firmly unalterable. With words and action of support, he may
be able to calm her fears and together they can explore options other then
abortion, which can include the many forms of adoption. This option of adoption
is only possible with a very courageous mother and couple who is/are able to
look past themselves and see God's hand at work.
After-all, was not Jesus himself raised by an adopting father. But ... that is
another article.
Reference
Ney, P.G., Wickert,
A.R., and Fung, T., "Relationships between
Induced Abortion
and Child Abuse: Four Studies.", Pre and Perinatal
Psychology Journal, 1993, Vol. 8 No.1 (p. 43-62)
Jim Benefield, M.Ed., MPC, Licensed MFCC, is in
private practice and a team member for Rachel's Hope "Healing from
-Abortion Ministry in
Any comments would be greatly appreciated. Jim can be reached at the address or email above.
The Journal Of Christian Healing, Volume 20, #2, Summer, 1998, Pp. 20-26
Heritage Gift
We search our family tree
because we each have been given a heritage at our
birth.
This heritage is a free
gift; we need do nothing to earn it.
It is too rich and
overwhelming for a newborn or a child to understand,
so
it is a mystery.
It is given in love,
prepared for each person uniquelv, individually and
to one
person only and necessarily.
This gift of love is
overwhelmingly powerful in its attractiveness.
It captivates our attention,
fascinating, enchanting, mesmerizing.
We want to know what this
gift is all about.
We will not be fully
satisfied until we fully understand it.
This happens only at death.
But along the way, we get
tastes of satisfaction as we learn.
This gift that we are born
with is, intact, ourselves, our life, our love.
And when
it fully unwinds, with each moment being another clue to its deeper
meaning, then we come to the end, the answer.
At death, life starts again.
John Robinson, Ph.D., LCSW
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Fax: (858) 581-0952
Mail: P.O. Box: 17363