I kind of went with what the world said about that it was just a cell, it wasn’t really a live being. … which is kind of ironic, about being responsible. Taking care of someone who wasn’t supposed to happen yet. I was already overwhelmed with the two kids and my daughter was so young. She was still a baby.
I didn’t think anything of it. I knew it was something I had to do. It was just a situation I was in.
I remember the doctor being there and I remember he tapped me on the leg saying “Your going to be okay, Tiger”. Like it was a loving, wonderful thing I was there. The machines and suction sounds, then I just shut down, it was too much for me and I just blocked it all out.
It was like a scene from a movie, everything was blurry but you can see people walking around and it just felt dark and bad. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t get up, I guess I just fainted after that and didn’t come to until after it was all over.
I was driving, I was crying and I heard a little voice tell me “just turn the wheel right here, no one is going to care, not one is going to miss you”. I wanted to kill myself.
I didn’t want to feel that anger, hurt or the disgust I had towards myself. I would repeat to myself, I just want to die, I want to die.
I was failing college. I was an honor student on a scholarship program. I was doing great. My grades started going down, I wound up dropping out of college. I was living with different guys. It was a mess. I was punishing myself.
I was like a zombie. I could walk around. I could function. But there was no life in me. I was like an empty shell.
I was searching for babies and children in my dreams all over the country, looking for babies, even though I had four. I wanted to adopt. I was looking, searching.
Love breaks through
I was in my closet crying. My oldest brother looked for me, grabbed my hand and pulled me out. He said “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I’m here” and he said he wanted his little sister back and we’re talking seven years of this.
I was talking with my priest and he laid hands on me and absolved me of my sin and quite literally I felt this weight come off of my shoulder. It was amazing. I could talk about it again.
After that weekend I realized I didn’t have Jesus in my heart and I wanted that so then I started searching for him.
It was the therapist, who said “Have you ever had an abortion?” And I said, well yes, but that was almost 30 years ago. It was no big deal.